G'day And Welcome To Nature
The Sunday Age
Sunday January 9, 2000
In the beautiful Kimberley region of Western Australia, Troy Dann is collecting wildflowers with two size-10 model girls, dressed only in their shorties and bather tops.
Troy is baring-it-all, too. Stripped to the waist, he pumps his way through the native scrub, pecs flexed, his pulsating muscles glistening with oil.
One of the girls bends forward, cleavage bursting, to gather a daisy. The cameraman - for surely he must be a man - zooms in on ... was it the wildflower?
Meanwhile, the brunette holds her bouquets to her firm, naked tummy. "Beautiful, aren't they?" Troy murmurs as he reaches forward for another botanic specimen. His chest hair (and my goodness, there's a lot of it) is matted and golden brown under the West Australian sun.
Grrrr! What a man. Except he never takes his pants off. Later, Troy and the girls find a water hole. The women strip off to their bikinis. Troy's in the water, too, but still with the jeans and THAT HUGE, ENORMOUS BUCKLE flashing under the water. Real men never take their jeans off. Or their cowboy hat.
Real men, also, never take a course in script-writing. Back to the water hole.
Troy: "This is the life, huh? Doesn't get much better than this."
Girl I: "Definitely. Wildflowers. Lovely natural spa. What more could one ask for?"
Troy: "So what're we going to do now? Get some bush tucker and show you some rock art?"
Girl I: "Excellent." (Look on face suggests she'd rather find a cosy camp site with an esky full of UDL.)
The Kimberley exploration - apparently these two inappropriately-dressed women are on the search for a fashion shoot location - is one of five adventures packed into tomorrow night's episode of Outback Adventures With Troy Dann (Mondays, Seven, 7.30pm). One hour and so many deserts to conquer, so many rocks to explore. So much flesh to reveal.
One of the problems I have with Troy Dann's program (and believe me, there are a few of them) is the promise of so much and the delivery of so little. "G'day. I'm Troy Dann," he begins tomorrow's episode, perched on a horse. "Riding around the outback you get to see a lot of spectacular places - from the east coast to the west coast, from north to south. And on tonight's episode we have got some spectacular stories for you."
Have you, Troy? Have you, have you? Spectacular? Collecting wildflowers with fashion scouts? Viewing Aboriginal rock art, which we are told is superb, but unfortunately does not reproduce successfully on the small screen? Interviewing a country 'n' western singer about her life on the road? Watching that damned helicopter go up and down, up and down? Give us the Leylands any day.
Or Harry Butler. Or Les Hiddins. Now there was a nature man. No gizmos or helicopters or sisters called Simone dressed in a tight T-shirt and wearing an acoubra. Just Les, the bush and the knowledge he had gained of a secretive and wonderful land.
Troy Dann is right - the Australian landscape is spectacular, and the people who inhabit it are rich characters from which much can be gained. You don't need the clunky dialogue of Troy and his fishing buddies, and you certainly don't need his model friends, or even his well-meaning but distracting sister, Simone.
There is a lot of excess in this program. Perhaps it's a boy thing. In the old days, it was a presenter and his trusty vehicle. Last week, Troy journeyed to the Northern Territory with five four-wheel drives, a helicopter, and scores of people plus Oakey the dog. You can imagine the looks on Uncle Max and Auntie Jac's faces when this crowd arrived for tea.
The discreet sexism also suggests a show for blokes, although apparently it is very popular with children under 12. On arriving at Uncle Max's property in the far north, Troy goes exploring while Simone moans to her aunt "I'm hangin' out for a cuppa tea". The women retire to the kitchen, the men do their business. Ah yes, all is right with the world.
Why does Troy Dann strip to the waist in order to pick wildflowers? After years in the northern plateaux, is he suddenly affected by the heat? Certainly we are overcome, as Troy glistens and flecks and struts around the scrub. Oooh, yes, oooh, Troy ... is it good for you, too?
© 2000 The Sunday Age